Maria

I have been home for 1 month now.  It has been very difficult for me to share my stories from Nicaragua, even with those that are closest to me.  I struggle to find words that are adequate enough to capture the images in my mind.  I feel so insignificant in a world filled with so much pain and suffering and over come with grief in knowing that I will never be able to save every child that I witnessed being abused, starving, or orphaned. 

How can this be?  It was the only thought running through my mind in Nicaragua and it has haunted me since returning home.  How can it be that children have so little value there?  For most, their worth is found in the amount of money that they can bring home from a day spent begging on the streets instead of sitting in a classroom.  How can it be that it is commonplace for children to be abused in the most horrific ways and no one puts a stop to it?  How can it be that so many of the children were malnourished and literally starving to death?  Since coming home, it is the same question paired with different circumstances.  How can it be that we in America live in so much excess that we feel we can’t spare anything to make a difference in these poverty stricken countries?  How is it that we can justify the attitude of if I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist, as if God will somehow hold us less responsible for our lack of action? How can this be?!  How can we continue to allow this pain and suffering, all while claiming to be the very body of Christ?  All of these thoughts came to a head last night and I finally reached my breaking point. 

I will share this story for two reasons.  The first because I want every single person that calls on the name of Jesus to lift this beautiful girl up in prayer and the second because it shows my flawed human character and God’s mighty redemption.  It may seem silly to you that I would be so open and vulnerable about my sinful nature, but to me, it is more about how God never forsakes us, no matter where we are. 

Here is a little bit of the back-story.

It seems like an eternity ago that I was in Nicaragua, chasing after the Lord’s purpose and plans for the beautiful children of Managua.  I lived in every moment as though it were my last and treasured every gift that God placed in view.  At the same time, it also feels like it was only yesterday that I had to say good-bye to some of the most precious children I have ever had the privilege of meeting.  The pain is still VERY REAL.  It is difficult to sleep, difficult to function at times, and difficult to establish the new sense of normal.

I feel like the only way I have made it through this past month was by allowing myself to become numb.  After all, who would allow themselves to feel broken day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute?  We can’t go on forever feeling this way, can we?

I really believed that I was doing ok until last night.  I thought I had a handle on my emotions and that I was making progress in successfully re-entering the United States.  All until a friend showed me this picture.

She’s beautiful, isn’t she?!  Her name is Maria and she is 4 years old. What can you tell about Maria from this picture?  There are the obvious things that stand out immediately like her beautiful smile.  I think you can even sense her joyful personality just by looking at the photo.  Does anything else stand out?  If you look really close, can you see that this precious little child of God is being abused?  

I really thought I was ok until I saw Maria’s face again.  I never realized that I had blocked her beautiful face from my memory upon returning home because the pain in knowing that I didn’t help her was too overwhelming.  I have prayed for her everyday but it has been half-hearted.  I truthfully think I doubted that God would hear my cries to help save this sweet angel.  But the flood of emotion poured into me again last night, as painful and traumatic as it had done while I was in Nicaragua.  This time it was worse because the reality hit me that I really am here.  I really did walk away from Maria that day.  I didn’t even try to save her.  I accepted that there weren’t any legal ways that I could protect her so I resolved myself to pray for her.  But when I came home, the feelings of guilt surpassed my perceived ability to intercede in prayer for her.  I have forsaken not only Maria but also my relationship with God. 

I cried so hard last night that it made me physically sick.  I couldn’t even pick myself up off of the bathroom floor.  The pain was so relentless that I felt like I was actually paralyzed for a moment in time. 

I kept asking God why I couldn’t save her and asking Him for forgiveness because I didn’t do more to help her.  I cried out on her behalf, praying that God will protect her and save her from that horrible place, but truthfully I began to feel angry.  I couldn’t even sleep because I felt so much anger.

I tried to mask it as I went about my morning routine with the boys but I was so overcome with sorrow that I started crying all over again.  When Kyle came to console me, I started asking him all of the how-can-this-be questions.  I unloaded all of my pain and then I turned to my anger.  I said in the most hateful tone, “Someone has to pay for this!  Someone needs to pay the price for this little girl's pain!” 

Less than one minute later, Isaiah came and stood at my feet.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and opened his small red moneybox.  He pulled out all of the dollars that were inside and he said, “I will pay, Mommy.  I will pay the price.” 

For a moment in time, Isaiah wasn’t my sweet little 5 year old boy, he was Jesus in the flesh.  It wasn’t about him offering me money but in the simple words that he spoke.  “I will pay the price.”  He was an undeniable and compelling reminder that Jesus has already paid the price. He has paid the price for me, for Isaiah, for Maria, and for you.  He has paid the price for the abuser that hurts Maria and for the abusers that destroy this world with evil.  He paid the price for EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.US.  He sees absolutely everything that goes on under the sun.  Nothing is new to Him and His unconditional love is offered to anyone that calls on His name.  He is compassionate in our weakness, merciful in times of trouble, gracious when we sin and nothing slips through His grasp.  His heart is broken for Maria and I realize now that He allowed my heart to be broken for her too so that I will intercede on her behalf.  He allowed my heart to break because He has a plan for her life and for mine.  He is tenderly growing a burning passion within me for the injustices of this world and shaping my heart to closer resemble His.

I realize that while I am experiencing more pain than ever before, it isn’t until we allow ourselves to be broken and reformed into Christ’s image that we truly become who we are meant to be. 

So with that, I will praise you for this suffering Lord.  I am in awe of your power and majesty amidst it all!  You are my everything and I give you full control!  I will not fear this pain but will continue to seek Your plan and allow myself to be broken for Maria and for the orphans and for the thousands of senseless deaths due to starvation every day throughout the world.  You are going to do a mighty work and I am humbled that You would allow me to serve You in this way!